Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ’Em

This album is given two stars based on the sampling used.

I remember when I was two years old and I heard U Can't Touch This. When you're two years old, obviously you have no opinion on music.

Please... opens with Here Comes the Hammer. Okay, this sounds decent, but is it really? Oh, oh, oh.

U Can't Touch This was the big attraction here. If you were around in 1990 you most certainly would've heard it, unless you lived under a rock. The sample is Rick James' Superfreak. Lyrically the song is terrible, and perhaps the only interesting thing going for it is the "oh oh oh" in the sample. The video was outrageous, as were the Hammer Pants, or whatever the hell they are.

Not even the Chi-Lites were spared. Hammer's cover of Have You Seen Her was also pretty bad. The video also has things we cannot unsee i.e. Hammer's "Man Panties." He name drops in the song, but I don't think they would back him up.

Yo!! Sweetness was a forgettable track that just doesn't have the oomph.

MC Hammer gets all preachy with Help the Children. I don't mind helping youngsters out, but I wouldn't do it for MC Hammer. The track features a choir-like backing vocal that just gets too preachy for its own good. I'm serious here.

On Your Face is not really memorable. So far, I've already heard the high point of this album. Dancin' Machine was a laughable track. I have never laughed this hard.

There is one beef I have with the album, and it's on track 8. Pray. The song samples Prince's When Doves Cry. That I can forgive, as I never was the raving Prince fan. What I can't forgive is the sample of We Care A Lot by Faith No More. I mean, come on, Faith No More? Unless you'd be sneaky and sample, they'd laugh you right out of the studio. The song was also a single too. I don't recall hearing it much, unless I'm listening to Sirius-XM's 90's on 9.

Crime Story: Holy hell. Did they record somebody's horrific wet farts to add as a sound effect to the song? It seems like every 45 seconds there's a fart noise. I timed it folks, it's like every 40-45 seconds you hear a juicy, wet fart; enough to stain your Hammer Pants. The lyrics are finely aged Gouda. Oh, by the way, he gets all preachy at the end. Damn it Hammer.

She's Soft and Wet was another track I could do without. He went deep into Prince's discography and pulled the sample.

Black is Black just didn't do it for me.

Let's Go Deeper: No, let's not go deeper. I don't want any part of this.

Work This is the closer, and thank god it closes. The album has not stood the test of time. You only hear the lead single off it now.